Raising My Boys in a Consent Culture

Warning: the following subject matter may be too heavy for young readers. Parent discretion is advised. 

I've always taught my boys to respect women.  In general, just be respectful to anyone & everyone. Now that they are in the 5th & 7th Grade, our conversations have become deeper and I've been talking to them about more grown-up topics.  Yes, we have talked & continue to discuss S-E-X, all age-appropriately & I try to make sure I'm only giving them the information they need at the moment that they need them. Surprisingly, I've fared rather well in dealing with this stage in parenthood.  I would have predicted that I'd freeze up & choose hibernation as opposed to talking about these heavy topics, but I've realized that I don't want the boys to think of sex as something dirty and shameful.  It's part of being a whole human being, and I want them to have a healthy mental & physical outlook.

Recently, I was told by a friend that one of the schools in my local area requires their female students to say "yes" to boys who ask them to dance at their school sponsored class dance.  In giving this school the benefit of the doubt (and I'm being generous here), I can only reason that they enacted this requirement in order to foster some kind of peace between the genders and maybe, possibly spare the feelings of the boys. Again, I don't know & I certainly don't understand. With all due respect, I blatantly, wholeheartedly & passionately disagree with this rule & I would be in the front lines protesting if my children attended this school.  I firmly believe dancing, dating, kissing & yes, sex is completely a choice that requires full consent.  That means there is a no-negotiation open "no" or "yes" answer. 

I relayed this "yes" rule to the boys while holding back my own personal opinions so that I could find out what their thoughts were on the topic. And if need be, influence my own thoughts & feelings on them (I am their mother after all). I couldn't be more proud of their reaction.  My 5th Grader said, "I would never want a girl to dance with me if she didn't want to".  My 7th Grader said something similar, appalled that there could be such a rule.  Because yes, a girl has EVERY right to say "no" to any boy that asks her to dance.  The boy will have to take the rejection. Learn from the rejection.  Move on. That's real life.

No means no the first time. Yes is a go-ahead, unless it changes to no. Then it's a no. Full consent means a yes. No means no. And if you're unsure, just assume no.

And if you need more information on consent, watch this video. What is consent? 

• The word  "consent": Comes from the Latin word con (together) & sentire (feeling).  
• Some consent is non-verbal.
• Sexual script of our culture is that consent is "not opting out"--as in, not resisting, letting it happen as opposed to "opting in". I agree with the video that this should really only apply to partners that have a relationship with explicit consent or rejection. 
• There are many reasons people would not resist a sexual advance such as fear, embarrassment, intoxication etc...Even if you're drunk, that is not an expressed consent for sex unless it's discussed in advance as in "Let's get drunk then have sex!" 
• General rule: If you're not physically able to drive because of impairment, it's probably best you don't have sex. 
• Age of Consent: if you're underage, the answer is basically no. If you're under 18, don't have sex & don't have sex with people under 18 as well. 
• Consent is not the absence of a "no", it's the presence of a "yes". (I like that.)

Respect women. Respect your own integrity. When in doubt, ask. Or ask anyway just to be sure.

In the article,  Chrissie Hynde Under Fire for Suggesting Women Who Dress Provocatively 'Entice' Rapists, musician Chrissie Hynde is reported as suggesting that the way a woman dresses is the cause of assault.  Chrissie herself is a victim of a violent sex crime & I will not directly attack her personal feelings or beliefs. I think she's been through enough.  But I will vehemently disagree with her & suggest instead that ALL men are responsible for their own sexual choices.  Even if a woman is walking naked in front of a man, he has no right to have sex with her unless she consents to it.  Yes, go ahead. No, stop.  End of story.

And that is the message I'm raising my boys with. That is my responsibility as a Mom--to raise them in a consent culture.

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