These days, more than ever, I feel like I'm on a fast moving car and no matter how much I want it to slow down, it can't because it has to continue with the flow of traffic. I'm sure many mothers can relate to that feeling. So, now, again more than ever, I feel like I need to center myself and focus on my inner peace. With that goal in my mind, I've had to focus on my faith journey and really see what that looks like. And along the way, I've had some uncomfortable and out-of-the-box (at least for me) thoughts and feelings about the topic.
It's not so much a questioning of my faith, but more of a re-structuring. Throughout the years, I've been moving away from the actual details of religion & focusing more on what faith really means and feels for me as a human being. I think that I've been seeing the traditions and expectations religion places on people & looking through a lens of relevance. Meaning, is all the details (bible quotes & such) really important to the spiritual goals I set for myself.
As I continue to attend Church predominantly through virtual live-streaming, I've found that I've been struggling with feeling inspired and connected to my religion. I thought, at first, it was because I missed in-person services. But because of my Youngest's Confirmation obligations, we've been attending in-person services every month (while continuing to attend virtual services the remaining Sundays). The feeling of disconnection persists and I resume to examine and work through my faith journey to find a balance I feel comfortable with. Listening to the sermons at mass & the guest speakers at my son's Confirmation zoom meetings only solidify how out-of-sync I feel with religion. One of the zoom speakers kept talking about Science and how it proves that God exists. Other families in the zoom claimed to connect to him and praised him for his message. One fellow attendee even said something like, "Wow, I'm so inspired by this talk." And here I was feeling mostly nothing, but also cynical.
The idea of spirituality & faith instead of religion is something that I'm finding myself focusing on more and more these days. I want to be able to use the practices of my Catholic religion to exercise my spiritual muscles but I don't feel bound to the rigors of the expectations & obligations they set--especially since some of their more stringent traditions don't necessarily align with my values.
Jesus' teachings primarily focus on love (unconditional and void of judgement) and putting one's faith into action through good works and service. So, whether or not someone believes in Jesus himself, the teachings are what I find more compelling and relevant to how I want to live (and learn). You can literally belong to any religion or not even believe in God and STILL live your life in alignment with Jesus' teachings. Choose kindness. Don't live a life of hate and anger. Accept people for who they are. Show compassion and understanding for people that struggle. You know, those kinds of real-life values.
Having grown up in the Catholic Church, I know first-hand the judgements that exist in the Church especially among its most devout members and leaders. But as I continue on in my own personal faith journey, I'm working towards not letting those judgements affect me on a personal level. As I stumble & fall and get back up again, I embrace all of it. It is what it is. I know that feeling disconnected is natural and it's perfectly okay to question things and feel all kinds of doubt. I'm grasping to feel inspiration and feel connected to the institution. But my prayer life continues to strive and thrive. My spirituality & faith is still a moving, growing entity. And I will hold on to that and push on.
As you all continue to live your own faith/life journeys, I wish you love & light, as always. XOXO 😘
