How am I Aware?

Beautiful rose in our yard.

I saw a writing prompt simply asking, "How am I aware?" It's such a vague question and can literally be applied to any aspect of life. But it instigated a moment of reflection for me--because if I were honest, many times in my life feels foggy because I was either in a tired, stressed or anxious era. Full disclosure though, I tend to not have the best memory about details in general--although I remember random instances that I may or may not wish I didn't.

These last few years have seen many milestone changes for me including two high school graduations within 2 years, adjusting to being a dorm college Mom (with the Youngest soon to follow), and before, during and currently, in a constant journey towards self actualization of purging toxicity and leaning towards peace, joy and acceptance. It's kind of a lot and at the same less dramatic than it sounds. 

My First-Born graduated high school towards the end, but still in the midst of Covid and while I felt enormously proud of him, I also had to make room for feeling anxious not only for the overall health of my family but also the worries of sending him off to college, my baby--overprotected and sheltered.  Two years later, my Youngest has graduated high school and will be joining the First Born in college--I'm more awake, more alert to feel additional feelings and less unhinged with uncertainty. I'm extremely proud of them both and I hope that whatever I'm going through internally, they know in their hearts how much they mean to me and they, above all else are of the highest priority in my mind and heart. 

Within these past years, I've also been more keenly aware of toxicity in my life--people who don't contribute to my peace and who don't add to my own positive mental health. Whether it was a conscious, deliberate break, or a gradual cleansing of these relationships, I have a more curated assembly of people that bring me joy. It's important to note that many things are out of our control--like who comes in and out of your life and toxic family members that will always be around--even in a small way--but part of growing is being able to handle how much these interactions I allow to trigger me or how I choose to react to toxic behavior. The truth is, I'll probably be working on my internal peace forever because it's extremely difficult to not let toxicity bother you, but I'm counting on my continuing awareness to get me through these moments. 

So back to the original writing prompt: How am I aware?  I'm aware because I let my feelings flow through. I go through the negative feelings and more often than not, reach towards the positive. And I'm aware it's a cycle. You just gotta go through it to get through it, and let it all happen again. I can and do appreciate the wonderful things in my life. I'm thankful for my immediate family--The Huz & our two Sons--they are everything, they mean everything to me--and I feel the happiest when they are happy, at peace and doing well. It can be unhealthy because I worry about them--maybe too much--but I'm okay with it because I don't feel the need to change that--just find a way to deal with it and go through emotions in a healthier way. I'm thankful for my interests in romance books, writing and journaling, and consuming content entertaining to me. I love food--eating and cooking. I love the West Coast and where I live. I'm leaning into my love for amateur photography.📸  I love colors in art and in nature--like beautiful flowers (bright red roses for example) and majestic trees. All of these things and more... I want to be aware of it all. 👀